An update on the Bishops’ National Pastoral Marriage Initiative

"Even though it’s been more than three years since the U.S. Bishops’ National Pastoral Initiative for Marriage was approved, the initiative is hardly a household word.

That could begin to change over the next several months, as the bishops prepare to release a pastoral letter on marriage and plans are developed for a variety of pastoral resources."

Full story

Divorce costs U.S. taxpayers billions

"Divorce and out-of-wedlock childbearing cost U.S. taxpayers more than $112 billion a year, according to a study commissioned by four groups advocating more government action to bolster marriages.

Sponsors say the study is the first of its kind and hope it will prompt lawmakers to invest more money in programs aimed at strengthening marriages. Two experts not connected to the study said such programs are of dubious merit and suggested that other investments — notably job creation — would be more effective in aiding all types of needy families."

Full story

Until death do you part?

" 'There no longer seems to be much of a stigma attached to divorce; it is now seen as an unavoidable rite of passage,' concluded researcher George Barna in a recently published report.

Americans who have the highest rates of divorce, according to the study, are “downscale” adults (those who have not attended college and are earning less than $20,000 a year) at 39%; Baby Boomers (38%); non-Christian religious believers (38%); African-Americans (36%); and “people who consider themselves to be liberal on social and political matters” (37%).

Those with the lowest divorce rates are Catholics (28%); evangelicals (26%); upscale adults (college graduates earning $75,000 or more a year), at 22%; Asians (20%); and those calling themselves “conservative on social and political matters” (28%). Hispanics have a divorce rate of 31%, according to the Barna study."

With NFP, Couples Discover Deeper Partnership

"Bryan Sell and Matt Mills are husbands with similar stories, and the three men, along with their wives, now help bring to light—as NFP teachers—what Borgerding calls 'one of the best kept secrets of the Catholic Church.' "

Full story

Happy Marriage, Happy Heart

"Happily married people have lower blood pressure than unhappy married people or singles, a Brigham Young University study says.

"There seem to be some unique health benefits from marriage. It's not just being married that benefits health -- what's really the most protective of health is having a happy marriage," study author Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a psychologist who specializes in relationships and health, said in a prepared statement"

Full story

Survey reveals Mass behind marriage success

"A new survey on marriage reveals those who attend Mass every week are six times as likely as those who rarely or never attend to report that their view of marriage has been "very" informed by their Catholic faith."

Full story

Birth rate halved, parenthood delayed in children of divorce

"Girls whose parents divorce are half as likely to have children as those whose mother and father stay together, a U.K. study revealed yesterday. The finding came from research into how changes in marriage laws have affected women's lives.

"Scientists found girls who grow up in a country which allows divorce are less likely to marry and are more likely to delay having children.

"Jill Kirby, director of the centre-right think tank Centre for Policy Studies, said:

"This demonstrates how the effect of divorce and family break-up is at work through the generations. The failure of a family – and most often now it is not a married family – puts women off having children themselves. It is an example of the long-term impact of the flight from marriage. The effects will be felt not only by us now, but by future generations. This study also shows that women suffer most from the effects of divorce and family break-up."

Full story

Deacon preaching NFP finds most couples don’t know teaching on contraception

"When I mention NFP, people look at me like I am an artifact from another age,” Deacon Ken Donahue explained. “It’s one of the principles of Catholic teaching that people don’t think applies to them.”

But for many couples, including many Catholics, information about NFP is largely unknown or misunderstood."

Full story (and it's a good one!)

The Best Preparation for Marriage - And It's Not Living Together

Mike & Harriet McManus, authors of "Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers," note that two-thirds of couples marrying today are living together.

Such couples often believe a myth that they are in a "trial marriage." But they are really in a trial divorce in which they face an 85% chance of breaking up either before the marriage or afterwards.

The McManuses offer 3 tips for better marriage prep.

And more info here, too.

The media's rush to divorce the Spitzers...

With this week's news about former NY governor Eliot Spitzer, there's been a lot of media coverage about the role of Silda Spitzer, and whether she should have been at his side during the two press conferences that he held. In most, if not all, of the coverage, a lot of the commentators and "people on the street" have said they couldn't understand why a wife would do that, and that if it were them, they'd be walking out the door as quickly as possible.

Amazingly, nobody was really sticking up for Mrs. Spitzer for her role of being up there supporting her husband and family. Instead, they have offered sympathy (which is fine), but there's still a vast rush towards judgment that she's calling the lawyers as soon as this is over.

Obviously, what Mr. Spitzer is accused of doing was horrendous and shocking, and families have divorced over much less infractions. But marriages have also survived greater infractions. If this marriage is going to survive, there will have to be a lot of open communication, discussion, possible professional help, and yes, forgiveness.

If Mrs. Spitzer were to forgive her husband, how would the media treat this act? Would they be amazed at the act of forgiveness? Would they go, "Wow, there's a woman who wants to save her marriage, in the face of unbelievable odds?" Probably not, instead there would be sarcastic comments about how she was doing it for political reasons, or other such nefarious purposes.

It's been clear over the past few days about the culture that we live in today -- how easy it is for people to rush towards an immediate divorce instead of thinking about ways that couples can work on their problems. Sure, the Spitzer case in an extreme example, but it's also not hard to watch the media rush towards divorce in less-heinous cases. It just highlights how much work we have to convince people about the joys of marriage and the power of forgiveness.

The thrill of the chaste

Fed up with casual, meaningless sex in the modern dating world? Unsatisfied with today's sex-obsessed culture?

Consider an alternative, says Dawn Eden. The author of “The Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On” argues in defense of chastity, providing personal details of her conversion to sexless dating.

Full story. And, Dawn Eden's blog.

Learn the Secrets to Marital and Money Bliss

A finance professional discusses typical marriage/money pitfalls and offers advice:

"I was once asked to talk about finances to a small group of engaged couples attending a marriage preparation program. As I observed the couples, I felt as though I were watching a scene from Oprah focusing on dysfunctional relationships. What I saw were three textbook examples of how money and marriage don't necessarily mix well."

Full column

Study finds divorce divides dads from kid

"Most teenagers distance themselves from their parents, but after a divorce that chasm is much wider between fathers and children."

More here

Couple married 60 years shares secrets of successful marriage

"Pat said the couple took advantage of every marriage and parenting class available, and believes those were critical in their happy marriage.

'One thing I have been so fortunate in, Tom was willing to take classes,' she said.

She also thinks their shared Catholic faith has played a role, although she gave it little thought when they first married."

Full story - and more secrets - here

U.S. Catholics and marriage: A mixed picture

"Seven in 10 U.S. Catholics describe themselves as at least "somewhat familiar" with Church teaching on marriage, and about one-third say they are "very familiar."

This is one of the statistics provided by a survey from the Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate, and released by the U.S. bishops last week.

In a statement responding to the research, Archbishop Joseph Kurtz, chairman of the bishops' Subcommittee on Marriage and Family Life, said the findings paint "a mixed picture" and that "it gives us reasons to be grateful and hopeful. It also raises concerns and presents us with challenges." "

Full story

Wedding overshadows Christian marriage?

“Wedding is a day, but a marriage is a lifetime.”

Is that phrase captured by the church’s Engaged Encounter marriage preparation program a cliché or an overlooked notion?

According to an author and freelance speaker with more than three decades of experience with marriage preparation, the Catholic Church works to ensure that phrase is canon among engaged couples."

Full story from Catholic Online

The key to wedded bliss

Australian researchers say they can tell whether a marriage will last or end in divorce after asked just a few questions.

Full story is here.

Officials: Weddings lucrative for town

"Hatboro officials are taking suggestions for what to do with donations collected from about 30 marriages Mayor Norman Hawkes performed last year.

The total amount the borough has to spend isn't certain, but Hawkes guessed there's about $3,000 in the marriage fund pot to help fund community projects."

Full story from PhillyBurbs.com here

66 years of marriage: A love story

The Hartford Courant looks at one Connecticut couple.

Full story

Newlyweds need to create financial plan

"The wedding is over, but your life as a couple has just begun. As a team working together for the first time, there are many adjustments you will have to make in the first year together. Of course, you must approach the small stuff like laundry duties and dishes, but one of your main priorities should be working to establish your financial foundation."

Full story from the Journal Gazette, Fort Wayne, Ind.

A Good Fight May Keep You And Your Marriage Healthy

"A good fight with your spouse may be good for your health, research suggests. Couples in which both the husband and wife suppress their anger when one attacks the other die earlier than members of couples where one or both partners express their anger and resolve the conflict, according to preliminary results of a University of Michigan study."

Full story from Science Dailys

Marry Me

"Say yes, and you're in for more than love, children and a home. Better health and a longer life are part of the deal."

Full story from Time

Focus on Sacrament of Marriage best guarantee against divorce

Catholic Online examines an Illinois marriage-prep program.

What Makes a Man Marry?

David Zinzenko of Men's Health offers four factors.

Marriage Encounter supports Church’s “For Your Marriage”

"Strong support for the Catholic Church’s “For Your Marriage” initiative was announced today by the National Secretariat of Worldwide Marriage Encounter.

'It is our belief that vibrant, long lasting and dedicated marriages can and do exist and that married couples are seeking to make their good marriages, great marriages. The focus of the United States Catholic Conference of Bishops on supporting and helping to foster good marriage principles is an effort that we all need to get behind and encourage,' said Tony and Cathy Witzak and Fr. Emile Frishe, the WWME National Secretariat Ecclesial Team.

The new USCCB marriage initiative, which has been operating for six months, has many facets with one of the key elements being its www.foryourmarriage.org website. The website contains much useful information and tips, stories and ideas to keep marriages alive and healthy. There has also been a strong emphasis on public service announcements and other related programs."

Full story

Young women choosing careers over love

"When it comes to work versus romance, the stereotype has been that men put a premium on career goals while women focus more on family and friends. Not so, according to a study published recently in the scientific journal "Gender Issues."

Men were more willing than women to sacrifice achievement for a romantic relationship, according to the study conducted by Catherine Mosher of Duke University Medical Center and Sharon Danoff-Burg at the University of Albany."

Full story

New Year Ushers In a Decision to Divorce or Break Up for Many Couples

The start of a new year is supposed to be a time of New Year's resolutions, rejuvenation and a fresh start. For many couples, sadly enough it doesn't turn out that way.

According to the research of Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins (authors of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?"), more decisions to divorce and leave a relationship are made after January 1 than any other time of the year. These reasons include:

1. "I'll Just Get Through the Holidays" Mentality. People who are contemplating divorce don't usually want to spoil the holidays for their children and their families so they keep their feelings to themselves. Most couples avoid looking at and doing something about the problems that exist in their relationships before and during the holiday season to keep up appearances.

2. Old Fears Surface and Problems are Magnified. Holidays tend to bring up old feelings, fears, and resentments that have been buried and this all comes to a head when life returns to "normal" in January.

3. Feeling of Resignation, Confusion and "I Don't Like Any of My Choices." When there are long-standing, unresolved issues in a relationship, there are usually feelings of hopelessness and confusion. There can be the feeling of being pulled in different directions and not knowing what to do about their situation. These feelings are especially difficult to deal with when others are experiencing the hope of a new year.

Can anything be done to clarify their choices to make the best decision possible and perhaps prevent divorce or the relationship from dissolving?

Yes - and there are some common mistakes people make when considering this decision.

One of these mistakes is not being honest with themselves about what's truly happening in their relationship. They are usually making a lot of assumptions about what happened in the past and what may happen in the future, which may or may not be the reality of their situation. They do not have a clear picture of what's happening in their lives and they don't know how to get one.

Happy Marriage Soothes Job Stress

"A woman's satisfaction with her marriage may affect how quickly she bounces back from a hard day at work.

Happily married wives tend to bounce back better after a rocky day on the job, according to a new study of 60 California couples."

Full story

Faith and marital fidelity go hand in hand: study

"Where you worship - and whether you worship at all - could be connected to your likelihood of straying from your marriage vows.

People who identify with a faith group are less likely to cheat on their spouses than those with no religious affiliation, a new study has found. But even among the religious set, the odds vary according to denomination."

Full story

Ages and stages of marriage

"Research also indicates that those couples who participate in a solid pre-marital preparation program increase their odds dramatically of developing a healthy happy marriage. It should be a preparation period of three to six months and involve not only a pastor but also a mentor couple or couples.

This preparation time gives the couple an opportunity to determine their common ground, shared beliefs and values, and time to think through their current and future relationship. Meeting with a mentor couple helps them to recognize others have navigated through similar paths and thrived. One of the best gifts other family members and friends can give to an engaged couple is the encouragement of the need to attend adequate pre-marriage programs. They can be life changing."

Full story

Marriage is "greener" than divorce, finds study

"Divorce has previously unrecognized environmental impacts including higher demand for resources and lower efficiency in household resource use, reports a new study published in the early edition of the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences."

Full story

Living Your Values

I was doing some searching around the Web and I found this column on the Couple-to-Couple League site, written by an EE alum couple.

I'm not sure when it was written, but it's a lovely testament to EE, Natural Family Planning, living out the marriage sacrament and following God's plan.

Full story

Actress wishes she had marriage prep

British actress Emma Thompson wishes she and first husband, actor Kenneth Branagh, had underwent marriage prep before they wed:

"I wish that in our society we had more of a tradition of really preparing people for marriage. There's something to be said for preparation for any long journey. You've got to make sure that the boat is sturdy enough not to fall apart halfway across the water. I think if Kenneth and I had had counselling before we got married we might well have thought twice about it."

Full story

Marriage stethoscope

James Cordova, a psychology professor at Clark University in Worcester, says the Marriage Checkup helps couples build on strengths and correct weaknesses.

The Telegram & Gazette takes a look at his Marriage Checkup study:

"Earlier this year, Mr. Cordova was the recipient of a five-year study grant for $1 million from the National Institutes of Health. The Marriage Checkup is based on his theory that, given the stresses and strains of an intimate relationship, marriage perhaps ought to be viewed in the same way as physical or dental health. The Marriage Checkup is intended to assist couples in building on strengths and correcting weaknesses. In Mr. Cordova’s view, couples often can resolve problems themselves once trouble areas are identified.

“It’s appealing to couples that feel like, for the most part, they are doing well but may have one or two things that are a little bothersome to them that have been there for a while and want to get a third person’s perspective on that.”

Full story

Stable Marriage and Happy Kids

"The increasing trend toward cohabitation as an alternative to marriage brings with it severe disadvantages for children. The latest confirmation of how children suffer when brought up outside a stable marriage between a man and a woman came in a lengthy article published Nov. 18 by the Associated Press."

Full story

Inside a Kansas marriage enrichment course

"Too many people get the newlywed part, and when that wears off, they make it too easy to walk in and get a divorce," Betty Brungardt said. "Marriage is the most important part of your life."

It's why learning how to be a better spouse seemed worth the time when Don and Betty Brungardt and Eva and Curtis Heckel signed up for the 13-week marriage enrichment class. Both were part of the first year of Garden City's class, which is offered through a federal grant, operated through Catholic Social Service, that works to educate couples on tools for a healthy marriage.

The program recognizes that all couples struggle, he said. All have challenges and conflict. The curriculum gives couples the tools to identify problems when they begin, so they can take concrete steps to resolve it, Duxler said.

Full story here

Pope: Defend marriage, family life at all costs

Pope Benedict XVI had a special message for Africa in his meeting with the bishops of Kenya today. As the bishops completed their “ad limina” visit, the Pope exhorted them to defend “at all costs” the institutions of marriage and family life, which are under attack from the “globalized secular culture”.

Full story here

Deck the halls for a stronger marriage

"Couples that participate in and find meaning in religious holiday rituals, such as decorating the home for the holidays or lighting candles, may be making their marriages stronger."

Here's hoping couples also find the meaning in the religion behing the rituals...

Full story here

More anti-marriage garbage from the Globe

"According to two Massachusetts sociologists, being single is better for the world than being married....

It's not just that singles conserve plastic bubble wrap and cardboard boxes by never registering for wedding gifts. It's that we're more community-oriented. While couples, especially childless ones, often focus on their marriage to the exclusion of other social ties, singles spread their energy over a broader sphere. Singles are more likely to help out friends and family. We are also more politically active and more helpful to our elderly parents than our married siblings. The study's authors conclude that while marriage may indeed offer important supports to the two people involved, it may not be the societal bedrock we've long imagined it to be."

Full story here

Any story that starts with 'According to two Massachusetts sociologists...' is sure to give me heartburn - Melissa

US Bishops start new chastity education program for students

"The USCCB announced at the end of their annual meeting in Baltimore this week the introduction of a new chastity education program for helping Catholic schools and other institutions develop curricula. The program, titled, “Catechetical Formation in Chaste Living: Guidelines for Curriculum and Publication Design,” will form the basis of curricula for high school teaching on chastity.

The USCCB says the guidelines address education in “morality and virtue” focusing on formation for young people in faith and morals and the virtues required for chaste living. "

Full story here

Globally, 70% believe marriage is for life

According to over 25,000 consumers polled online in 46 countries last December:

Seventy percent of people surveyed say that marriage is for life (with American consumers topping the list at 78%) and three out of five (60%) saying that marriage is one of their lifetime goals.

Survey results indicate that the concept of marriage today might be largely dominated by a country’s cultural and religious beliefs – with very opposing views among consumers in the developed West and emerging East.

Another surprising result is that in the USA, more men than women believed that marriage is for life and relevant in today’s society.

Muslim and Catholic strongholds in Asia top global rankings for believing that marriage ‘is for life’, lead by Indonesians (97%), and Filipinos and Malaysians (both 89%).

The news isn't so good in Western Europe:

Over 70% of Portuguese and Italians and 60% of Spaniards say marriage is irrelevant today – and of those who make it to the church altar, only one in three Portuguese and Spaniards believe that marriage is for life! In Italy, only half (48%) believe that marriage today will last a lifetime.

Full story here

Please can I return this husband?

"Buy a sweater at H&M and you don't expect it to last forever, but it will look good on you for the time being. With Sweden's high divorce rate, Swedes have a pretty similar attitude to spouses, says Sarah Tarnowski.

Some 55% of all Swedish marriages will end in divorce, giving Sweden the highest divorce rate in the Western world, according to the latest statistics. In the U.S. this figure is 46%; in Italy it is just 10%. If you factor in the number of Swedish couples who choose never to marry, but live and have children together, then break-up, the 'dissolution rate' becomes even higher.

People, who don't marry, don't officially divorce and therefore bypass being registered as broken marriages. Only about 60% of Swedish women will ever marry, thus the out of wedlock birthrate hovers around 50%.

Statistically, Swedes divorce more, marry less, and have more out of wedlock children than any other industrialized Western nation."

Full story here

'Bella' opens in local theatres

"Bella," an award-winning independent movie with a pro-life message, opened in Massachusetts theatres this past Friday.

It has attracted a lot of buzz and praise, and The Pilot calls it: "beautiful, hopeful and [upholds] the dignity of the human person."

“Bella” chronicles the life of Jose, who experiences a tragedy that changes his entire life and destroys his budding soccer career. He becomes a chef, working in his brother’s New York City restaurant, and befriends one of the waitresses, Nina, who is fired for arriving late. He discovers that the reason for her tardiness is that she is pregnant. Without the support of the child’s father, Nina believes her only choice is abortion. Jose listens patiently to her concerns, shares his own tragedy and realizes that his pain is an opportunity to save the life of this child.

Click here to see where it's playing in your area and here for the movie's official site.

Check out the movie trailer below:

Few show up to divorce fair

The much-ballyhooed world's first Divorce Fair proved to be a bust:

"Journalists easily outnumbered those looking for advice on how to end their marriage on the first day of the weekend event, including some from Britain, Italy and Switzerland. Only a few dozen clients meandered through the two conference rooms of a downtown luxury hotel in the space of an hour, and bemused exhibitors were kept busy mostly by TV crews lining up to interview them."

Full story here.

Saving marriages must be a national priority

A good commentary from CNN contributor Roland Martin:

"For some reason, Americans are either getting married for the wrong reasons or are not making the effort to spend more time working on their marriages to save them, and instead, run to divorce court at the first sign of trouble."

Full column here.

A Father celebrates his parents' 50th

Fr. Tom Euteneur writes a lovely column on his parents' golden wedding anniversary.

Fifty Years of Grace and Blessing

''I Do'' Diligence: Five Financial Tips for Newlyweds

1. Discuss Financial Goals and Attitudes
2. Review Your Credit History and Debt
3. Update Beneficiaries, Will and Legal Documents
4. Create a Budget Together
5. To Commingle, or Not to Commingle

Full story here

EE mentioned in another marriage prep story

"Couples are responding. “Engaged Encounter,” a premarital retreat sponsored by the Catholic Church, is registering more couples of all ages and backgrounds, many of whom have no religious training or may not even profess to believe in God.

“The trend is that people are seeking out marriage preparation, recognizing that they should take a workshop before they get married,” says Nancy Fisher, an elementary school teacher who helps conduct weekend retreats with her husband, Michael.

Ordinary couples are becoming lay mentors, experts at communicating and modeling healthy relationships."

Full story

Sign of the times: Vienna to host 'divorce fair'

What an incredibly sad piece of news -- an AFP report says Vienna will soon be hosting what organizers say is the world's first 'divorce fair' later this month, aimed at couples "whose wedding dreams have turned sour and who need help in untying the knot as painlessly as possible."

While most exhibitors will be groups like lawyers, mediators, estate agents and life-crisis experts, there will also be some lectures that include things like a children's view of divorce to single-parenting issues.

So now we have wedding expos where brides and grooms can spend a day visiting thousands of vendors offering services for their wedding, and then they can visit a divorce expo where they can visit with vendors offering services for their divorce. It's too bad that we can't have "marriage expos" where people can gather and hear about the good side of marriage.

But I guess there's no money in that, is there?

Wedded to Work: Saving Your Marriage From a Demanding Job

On average, couples in which one partner is a workaholic divorce at twice the average rate, according to a 1999 study conducted by the University of North Carolina at Charlotte's Bryan Robinson.

"In workaholic marriages, there's more marital estrangement; couples are emotionally distant from each other; and there are often thoughts of separation and divorce," says Robinson, author of Chained to the Desk: A Guidebook for Workaholics, Their Partners and Children, and the Clinicians Who Treat Them.

Full story

Bad marriage = bad health

"A lousy marriage might literally make you sick. Marital strife and other bad personal relationships can raise your risk for heart disease, researchers reported Monday.

What it likely boils down to is stress — a well-known contributor to health problems, as well as a potential byproduct of troubled relationships, the scientists said.

In a study of 9,011 British civil servants, most of them married, those with the worst close relationships were 34 percent more likely to have heart attacks or other heart trouble during 12 years of follow-up than those with good relationships. That included partners, close relatives and friends."

Full story

Marriage, family life are under attack, says Vatican official

A Vatican official urged a group of Catholic business leaders meeting in Colorado Springs to vigorously defend marriage and family life which he said are under attack by modern society.

"The dissolution of marriage and family is like the introduction of a cancerous virus," said Nigerian Cardinal Francis Arinze, head of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Sacraments.

"Collapse will only be a matter of time. Can we afford to stand by and look in helpless silence?" he asked.

Full story

Children of divorce: Kids less likely to follow faith

Divorce often leaves children conflicted, confused and even bitter when it comes to matters of faith, according to Elizabeth Marquardt, author of the book Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce.

Marquardt, whose own parents are divorced and who is the director for the Center for Marriage and Families at the nonpartisan Institute for American Values, discovered that even children whose parents have a "good divorce" can suffer longstanding religious consequences.

Children of divorce are less likely to have had consistent involvement in a religious faith when growing up.

* Those who were active in a religion during childhood received little or no support from their church during their parents' divorce.

* In adulthood, children of divorce are much less religious than peers from intact families.

* Young adults from divorced families feel just as spiritual as their peers, but their spiritual journeys are more often characterized by loss and suffering.

Full story

Message in bottle: Marriage meant to be

"Melody Kloska and Matt Behrs take it as a sign they were meant to get married.

After tying the knot on a Lake Michigan beach on Aug. 18, they released a bottle containing their wedding vows. A few weeks later, the bottle was found by Fred and Lynnette Dubendorf, of Mears, Mich., who were also married on a beach — exactly 28 years before Kloska and Behrs."

Full story

Wedding bells ringing later in life

Census shows people are staying single longer:

"2006 census data released earlier this month show that people are continuing to wait longer and longer to get married for the first time. In New York state, the median age for that rite of passage now stands at 29.4 years old for men and 27.7 years old for women, making the ages here two years older than the national median.

By comparison, in the 1950s, the median age nationwide was 22 for men and 20 for women.

Reasons for this upward creep, which began about 30 years ago, are many, but most people point to cohabitation prior to marriage as the primary factor."

Full story

Silver anniversary becomes rarer milestone

"A U.S. Census Bureau study released yesterday reported that more than half of the American marriages consummated in the late 1970s failed to survive 25 years.

It was the first time since at least World War II that the Census Bureau reported that most marriages dissolved before reaching their silver anniversary."

Full story

In marital disputes, silence isn't golden

Why openness in communication is important:

Study finds that wives who don't express themselves increase risk of illness

Should marriages only last 7 years?

At least one German politician thinks they should. Gabriele Pauli, a Bavarian politician representing the Christian Social Union (CSU), says she wants marriage to expire after seven years. After that time, couples should either agree to extend their marriage or it should be automatically dissolved.

The news is causing quite a stir in Catholic circles in Germany. Pauli, 50 years old and twice-divorced, says "This is about bringing ideas into the CSU and starting a discussion."

Well, that's certainly true.

Building a successful marriage is hard work, but worth the effort

A woman reflects on important themes in her 30+ year marriage.

Column

Column: Living together is no substitute for the knot

Columnist Tina Griego of the Rocky Mountain News:

"My husband and I moved in together with the assumption we would marry one day. I saw it as something like marriage with training wheels. Once we took those wheels off, the transition would be easy. On this last matter, I was wrong.... I think five years cohabitation not only failed to prepare us more for marriage, it might have made us less prepared. It might have made the transition harder."

Full column

Retirement And Marriage

Forbes reports on a study examining transitions in retirement involving 534 married couples in their 50s, 60s or 70s who were retired or about to retire from several large businesses in upstate New York.

"Husbands and wives reported greater marital satisfaction if they retired at the same time. While men with nonworking spouses had greater marital satisfaction than those with working wives, regardless of whether the men themselves worked, those men who didn't work but had a working spouse reported the most marital conflict."

Full story

Marriage Breakdown: Expensive and Divisive

Report Shows Big Downside to Family Disintegration

Work out religious differences before marriage

Good Q&A on interfaith issues, including this funny bit:

"We know it's theoretically possible for a passionate Boston Red Sox fan to marry a passionate New York Yankees fan. It's just that we've never actually seen it happen. We don't mean to trivialize your problem, only to patiently and humbly suggest that you do not simply hope that differences that are tearing you apart now will somehow be magically resolved in the future."

Full column

Researchers Study Why Divorce Rate is Dropping

Some interesting info:

Dr. Janet Belsky, professor of psychology at Middle Tennessee State University, polled her students and results show that they are very well aware of the divorce statistics and they do not want to become part of them. They want to choose the right marriage partner and make the marriage last. One change she has seen develop over the years is that more and more of the students do put marriage as the first thing on their list of things to do. Their thoughts are shifting to getting themselves established in their chosen field as their first priority.

Full article

Pope encourages youth to change world through marriage

The Pope told 300,000 Catholic youths in Loreto, Italy, to "discover the beauty of love, not a disposable love, passenger and prisoner of an egoistic and materialistic mentality, but a deep and true love," on the eve of a pilgrimage to a shrine of the Virgin Mary on Sunday.

Pope Benedict said he believed that the "dream" of accomplishing this sort of love between a man and woman, in choosing marriage and starting a family, was "harder and harder to accomplish today".

But he called on his audience to persevere without being discouraged by the "crisis that touches our families today", such as separation and divorce."

Full story

Marriage: A Vocation to Holiness

Excellent column on marriage as a vocation. Story

The Impact of I Dos and I Don'ts at Work

A new study explores how changes in marriage, divorce and childbirth are redefining the workplace. Newer patterns of marriage - including the trend towards postponing marriage and the ability to control fertility - are causing dramatic changes to unfold in the business environment.

Story

Housework: The road to marital (and bedroom) bliss?

"Both men and women, in almost equal numbers, agree that the division of household management is a crucial component of a happy marriage, according to a study from the Washington-based Pew Research Center, released last month. 'Sharing of household chores' now ranks third in importance on a list of nine items often associated with successful marriages."

Full story

U.S. Bishops launch marriage Web site

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops recently launched a Web site designed to promote healthy marriages.

For Your Marriage can: "can aid couples of all faiths. With everything from daily marriage tips to statistics on divorce and cohabitation, this site is an up-to-date resource."

States adopt marriage ed courses

"Texas is the latest state to push marriage education, appropriating $7.5 million this year for programs aimed at reducing divorce rates and, in turn, promoting family stability and economic wellbeing. Couples who attend the Lone Star State’s optional marriage courses will be able to save the $60 they would otherwise pay for a marriage license starting September 1, 2008."

Should government be in marriage prep? Click here and read more.

The risks of cohabitation

Should couples be encouraged to have a free, no-strings-attached trial period to see whether they're compatible? On the surface, this philosophy might seem to have merit. But despite the widely held notion that this burgeoning practice improves the quality of a subsequent marriage, the evidence shows otherwise.

Click here to see what the numbers have to say.

Love and marriage … and some financial tips

Sarah Colwell of the Colorado Springs Business Journal:

"I wanted to give my brother some financial tools and pieces of advice I wish I had been given earlier in my marriage, and hopefully prevent some arguments in his marriage, at least those involving money."

Her advice and suggestions

Pornography destroys families, speaker tells men

Steve Wood, founder of the Greenville, S.C., addressing a men's conference:

"If you don't have this problem, I guarantee you that you know somebody who does," said Steve Wood, a former Protestant minister who was received into communion with the Roman Catholic Church with his wife and eight children in 1990. "This is going to take your marriage."

Wood says 70% of the calls coming into the center are women asking for help for their pornography-addicted husbands.

Red Sox legend's legendary marriage

From a Globe article on 89-year-old legendary Sox second-baseman Bobby Doerr returning to Fenway this week:

"Monica and Bobby Doerr were married for 65 years. In 1947, she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. In 1967, when Bobby was a coach of the pennant-winning Impossible Dream team, Monica was forced into a wheelchair for the rest of her life. Doerr became her primary caregiver. He took her fishing. He wheeled her everywhere. Even as his own health declined, he refused to put her in a nursing home.

Bobby Doerr doesn't dwell on the World Series he didn't win or the money he didn't make. A boy of summer in the winter of life, he is sure of only one thing.

"I'll see Monica again, someday," he said. "And I take great comfort in that."

NFP v Contraception...Mac vs. PC?

Here's a pretty funny spoof of the Mac vs. PC TV ads "directed, written, acted, and edited by Catholic seminarians at the Institute for Priestly Formation in Omaha. We actually shot this on the 39th anniversary of Humanae Vitae without knowing it!"

Wedding: Between two halves or two wholes?

Father Lou Guntzelman of the Archdiocese of Cincinnati answers that question in his column:

"There are two distinct people in a healthy relationship. They always remain two. Each is called upon to develop into the unparalleled person God made them to be - and to encourage the other to do the same. In becoming our best and truest self, we become more able to choose and make the other person our first choice as companion, friend, lover."

Marriage Prep: How different faith traditions help get couples ready for the days after the big day

The woman who wrote the pro-EE column for BustedHalo.com has also written an article on marriage prep for The Wall Street Journal.

And she mentions EE again:

"According to a 1999 Center for Applied Research for the Apostolate report, nine in 10 couples who attended a Catholic Engaged Encounter weekend said they learned important skills for their marriage, and in a one-year-anniversary follow-up, more than three-quarters reported that they felt prepared for the challenges they faced."

Newlywed finances: For better or for worse

Finance exec tells newlyweds they need something old, new, borrowed and blue for their financial future.

Column

Two-thirds of couples overspend on wedding

"Marital bliss can quickly turn to fiscal friction if couples don't sit down and talk about their financial values and priorities before tying the knot. Whether it is planning a wedding, sending a child off to college or thinking about retirement, marriage is full of critical and often unexpected financial decisions. One of the best ways couples can plan for them is to have a frank conversation about financial expectations and then create a budget," notes one expert.

Visa is stepping up to help couples prepare financially for marriage with a marital money management guide. Practical Money Skills for Life is available free. It's easily accessible at at http://www.practicalmoneyskills.com/marriage, an award-winning online financial education program.

Full story

Is divorce in your genes?

Apparently not, notes a study:

"A new study has found that divorce, not shared genetic risks or problems such as parental substance abuse, was key to the higher rates of break-ups experienced by the offspring of divorced couples."

Yet another reason why marriage prep is vital

This story in Boston Globe Magazine last weekend burned our britches to a crisp. If you ever doubt why marriage prep is so vital, read this claptrap:

The headline: Meet. Marry. Move On.

The subtitle: "When you're looking for a soul mate, why let a spouse slow you down? There's a new emphasis in marriages on emotional togetherness, a standard some relationships just cannot meet. Good thing nobody bats an eye anymore when young, childless couples divorce."

Oy vey.

New Zealand pol wants marriage enrichment courses

A New Zealand politician is backing an effort to offer marriage enrichment courses, citing research that shows youth offenders often come from broken homes. Full story

Real-life Pre-Cana courses are no laughing matter

The Herald looks at the non-Hollywood version of Pre-Cana.

Story here

A controversial bethroal proposal

Here's a pretty controversial proposal from the magazine U.S. Catholic and two family ministry researchers who think cohabitation is OK.

What do they suggest? "Our pastoral proposal is straightforward: a return to the marital sequence of betrothal (with appropriate ritual to ensure community involvement), sexual intercourse, possible fertility, then ritual wedding to acknowledge and mark the consummation of both valid marriage and sacrament."

Archbishop of Denver Charles J. Chaput, O.F.M. Cap. has a rebuttal, a la, "Whoa, hold on a minute":

"...I believe in the intelligence and good will of the authors. I also believe that their argument is bafflingly naïve. If the Church, in her reflection on the Gospel, has always taught that sex outside marriage is morally wrong, then for the Church to now bless “nuptial cohabiters” amounts to colluding in sin. Ritualizing a sinful behavior, or calling it a nicer name, does not change its substance. The very last thing we need in a society already awash in confused sexuality is a strategy for accommodating it."

His full response is at the link above.

And a caveat emptor on U.S. Catholic magazine.

Cohabitation vs marriage: Why get married?

A marriage and family therapist answers the question:

"Recently, during a conversation with a male friend, the subject of marriage came up. We both have friends who are contemplating marriage and I made the comment, 'I do not think they will get married ... maybe they shouldn't even get married.' My friend posed an interesting question when he asked, "What can she have married that she cannot and does not have unmarried?" "

Here's the therapist's secular defense of marriage.

Archdiocese launches effort to promote marriage

On June 22, Cardinal O'Malley launched an effort to promote marriage within the Archdiocese.

In letters sent to pastors, Cardinal Seán writes:

“As many of you are aware, the vocation of marriage is in crisis. Over the past twenty years, there has been more than a 60% decline in the number of marriages recorded in the Archdiocese of Boston; down from 12,274 in 1986 to 4,519 in 2006. At the national and local level, the Church has been responding to the many challenges faced by married couples. The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops is in the midst of a multi-year National Pastoral Initiative on Marriage.”

Here's a link to the Archdiocese's press release, including the very cool new marriage prayer.

Here's a link to an entry in Cardinal Seán's blog (a good read every week, BTW).

Will 7/7/07 be lucky for today's brides and grooms?

There's a lot of people getting married today, not just because it's the first Saturday in July, but because the date is July 7, 2007, which translates to 7-7-07, or 07-07-07 if you want to get even more technical.

Other highlights of the "specialness" of today:

• In Singapore, the country decided to "solemnise" 777 weddings on this day, compared to the normal 100 or so weddings they do on an average Saturday in July.
  
  
• In Australia, the Queensland's Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages had to extend its operating hours to accommodate the number of couples wanting to take their wedding vows.
  
  
• Wedding Web site TheKnot.com reported at least 37,0000 weddings were registered for today.
  
  
• The most famous of the "7-7-7ers" has to be Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria, who tied the knot today to Tony Parker (basketball star) in France.

Many brides and grooms are assuming that the "lucky 7s" will bring additional luck to their marriage. While some luck is involved in any marriage, let's hope that many of these 7-7-07 couples prepared for their marriage as much as they prepared for their 7-7-07 wedding.

Speaking of marriage prep, did anyone go see "License to Wed" movie over the past week or so? I guess the movie is getting horrible reviews, but as I mentioned in an earlier post, at least the movie is raising awareness about marriage preparation. The Wall Street Journal wrote about the process of religious marriage preparation in this article (those of you who read that Busted Halo article about CEE might recognize the author of the WSJ piece).

Why are we waiting to get married?

A 2005 report by the National Marriage Project titled "The State of our Unions: The Social Health of Marriage in America" offered a list of reasons why Americans have become less likely to marry are:

• People are delaying first marriages (waiting to meet right person or complete postgraduate education).
• There is an increase in people choosing to be single for life.
• More people are cohabiting.
• There is a slight decrease in the tendency of divorced people to remarry.

Other findings from the report include:

• The divorce rate today is nearly twice that of 1960 but has been declining since hitting its high point in the early 1980s.
• Most people now live together before marrying for the first time. An even higher percentage of divorced people live together before remarrying.
• Divorced men are more likely to remarry than divorced women. Also, among divorcees who do remarry, men generally do so sooner than women.
• The likelihood of divorce is higher for blacks than whites and higher in the West than in other parts of the country.
• Americans increasingly view marriage and child rearing as separate pursuits.

More details here.

Survey: Younger adults have different values regarding marriage, sex, parenthood

A new survey by the Pew Research Center shows that most Americans believe that births to unwed women are a big problem for society, and that cohabitation without marriage is a mixed opinion, at best. Yet these nontraditional behaviors are commonplace among younger adults, who have a different set of moral values than older generations, the survey suggests.

Pew says this generational gap helps explain the decades-long surge in births to unmarried women (now at 37% of all births in the U.S.), as well as the sharp rise in cohabitation (nearly half of all adults in their 30s and 40s have done at least a portion of their lives).

Other stats from the survey include:

• Marriage Remains an Ideal, Albeit a More Elusive One. Even though a decreasing percentage of the adult population is married, most unmarried adults say they want to marry. Married adults are more satisfied with their lives than are unmarried adults.


• Children Still Vital to Adult Happiness. Children may be perceived as less central to marriage, but they are as important as ever to their parents. As a source of adult happiness and fulfillment, children occupy a pedestal matched only by spouses and situated well above that of jobs, career, friends, hobbies and other relatives.
  
  
• Divorce Seen as Preferable to an Unhappy Marriage. Americans by lopsided margins endorse the mom-and-dad home as the best setting in which to raise children. But by equally lopsided margins, they believe that if married parents are very unhappy with one another, divorce is the best option, both for them and for their children.

When asked what items are very important in making a marriage successful, faithfulness (93%), a happy sexual relationship (70%) and sharing household chores (62%) topped the list. About half the respondents thought that an adequate income (53%), good housing (51%), shared religious beliefs (49%) and shared tastes and interests (46%) were very important in marriage.

Sexual union in marriage: Appetizer for eternity with God

"Marriage here below is like an icon leading us into the heavenly marriage," Bill Donaghy told 200 people from across Canada attending the recent Catholic Organization for Life and the Family symposium. "It's a teaser; it's an appetizer; it's like a movie trailer."

More on marriage, sex and JP II's Theology of the Body

What makes a marriage work?

If you're Roger Campbell of the Sidney (Montana) Herald, the answer is easy:

Making a marriage last requires a lot of positive ingredients: good friends, wise instruction, warm fellowship, solid support and a circle of praying people to stand with us when the stresses of life threaten even strong relationships.

We couldn't agree more.

More thoughts on marriage from Roger are here.

Words to remember from John Paul II

"Love the family! Defend and promote it as the basic cell of human society; nurture it is the prime sanctuary of life. Give great care to the preparation of engaged couples and be close to young married couples, so that they will be for their children and the whole community an eloquent testimony of God's love."
— Pope John Paul II (2001)

Five lessons from PreCana

Interesting post from a Chicago Sun-Times blog, "Charting one wife-to-be's exhilarating (and exasperating) course to wedded bliss."

The woman writes about the five things she learned from marriage prep. Just five?

Although her overall review of the day was pretty funny: "It wasn't quite as bad as it sounds." Pretty rousing endorsement there. LOL Obviously they didn't do an EE weekend. ;-)

Click here for her observations.

Study: Religion plays a role in couples' fidelity

"A new study by a professor at Brigham Young University says that being actively religious could help those millions of marriage partners stay faithful.

The conclusions are drawn from in-depth interviews with 57 married, heterosexual couples in New England and California. Each couple claimed to be highly religious and represented several different faiths, including Christianity, Islam and Judaism. When asked how religion affected their marriages, the couples mentioned fidelity.

[Study director David] Dollahite found that highly religious couples viewed their marriages as sacred and more important than a simple human connection.

'They just feel that their marriage has a sacred quality to it that they certainly didn't want to disrupt by being unfaithful,' Dollahite said."

Full story

'Catholic marriages declining rapidly' notes Herald

"Catholic marriages in Boston plummeted 61 percent in the past 20 years, going from 12,314 in 1984 to 4,820 just two years ago, according to a church document circulated by a member of an important archdiocese planning group."

Full story

Anyone have any more info on this "church document" or the "important archdiocese planning group"? Is this legit or the Herald blowing things out of proportion?

Enrich your prayer life and marriage

In cleaning out some bookmarks, I found an excellent article from last fall on married couples who prayer together. It's a great read, and offers this prayer, too:

A prayer for married couples

Lord Jesus,

Grant that I and my spouse may have a true and understanding love for each other.

Grant that we may both be filled with faith and trust.

Give us the grace to live with each other in peace and harmony.

May we always bear with one another’s weaknesses and grow from each other ’s strengths.

Help us to forgive one another’s failings, and grant us patience, kindness, cheerfulness, and the spirit of placing the well-being of one another ahead of self.

May the love that brought us together grow and mature with each passing year.

Bring us both ever closer to you through our love for each other.

Let our love grow to perfection.

Amen.

www.CATHOLICDOORS.COM/PRAYERS

Study: Marriage is good for men

One of the myths surrounding marriage is that married men are miserable, while single men are happier, living the good life. A new study released by Statistics Canaday in late May says that those who think of marriage as the "ball and chain" are now in the minority.

"Statistically, entertainment media husbands are miserable, while philandering single men live the good life. Statistically, those who are real find it to be the other way around—and that's a fact."

Read more here.

Good news, bad news

The Good: The U.S. divorce rate has hit a 36-year low, dropping to 3.6 per 1,000 Americans in 2006, according to the May 4 National Vital Statistics Report, compiled for the Centers for Disease Control.

The Bad: The number of marriages has skidded downward at twice the rate of divorce, declining by slightly less than one third over the last 25 years to 7.3 per 1,000, in the latest report.

"Citing a tenfold increase in cohabiting non-married couples (Emphasis mine - Melissa), some said it was a sign that fewer people were getting married."

Full story here.

From sister to sister: A crash course on marriage

A nice column written by a married woman to her newly engaged sister:

"Before we were married, my husband and I went on a church-mandated weekend retreat for engaged couples, where we talked through hypothetical situations: How would we handle the division of household chores? How would we decide that the time was right to start a family? How many children did we want to have, anyway? When we had children, would I continue to work full-time or stay home?

By having those hypothetical conversations before a volatile situation presented itself, before the emotions ran high, we were able to draw a map for ourselves that we could refer to when we did hit a bump in the road."

Full column

Older engaged = unstable marriage?

People are getting married older - does this mean their marriages are more likely to fail?

Not so, says a new study:

"Age at marriage is higher than ever before in the US, and according to a new study, this trend bodes well for union stability, as marriages that take place at later ages tend to be stable."

Interesting study facts on age, marriage and success rates