Living Together Dangerously

Study reveals perils of cohabitation:

"Living together before marriage is a very common practice for couples in many countries. Many defend it on the basis that it enables the future husband and wife to get to know each other better.

Abundant evidence exists, however, that cohabitation is more of an obstacle rather than an advantage in preparing for marriage. Michael and Harriet McManus recently published “Living Together: Myths, Risks and Answers (Howard Books), which documents their research on the topic.

The authors, founders of the organization Marriage Savers, warn that couples who cohabit before marriage are much more likely to divorce afterward. There is a big difference, they say, between a permanent bond such as marriage and just living together in a conditional relationship."

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Globally, cohabitation considered alternative to marriage

"Living together has become so common that a growing number of U.S. residents view cohabitation as an alternative to marriage, an international study indicates.

The National Marriage Project study of the United States, countries in Western Europe, Australia, Canada and New Zealand found that cohabitation globally is more common and considered an option to matrimony. The study analyzed cohabitation, marriage and divorce data from 13 countries.

Excluding the United States, the study found between 15% and 30% of couples in the countries surveyed indicated they were living together. That figure was about 10 percent in the United States."

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The vocation of marriage: It's holy, but no fairy tale

A nice column on marriage from Catholic News Service:

"A friend of mine once told me that a marriage is like a braid of three strings. God is the third string, and without his presence in a marriage, the other two strings can easily split.

That's no fairy tale, unfortunately. It's not as easy as Prince Charming showing up on his valiant steed. There is no "happily ever after" without lots of work and even more prayer.

And yet, when a couple involves God and stays committed to their nuptial vows, the vocation of marriage becomes very sacred indeed."

Full column

Men prefer being solo over a bad marriage

Study concludes men are not afraid of marriage, but rather afraid of a bad marriage:

"Men are 10 times more scared of marrying the wrong person than of never getting married at all. This is the first generation of people who have grown up with bad divorces. People assume there is something wrong if you don't marry but these are men who have made a different choice and not given in to social pressures."

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Discuss finances before wedding

Missouri financial planner says:

“In every study of the causes of divorce, communication and finances are at the top of the list,” Donna Taylor said. “... Maybe there’s a lack of communication about finances.

“If there’s credit card debt coming into the marriage, that probably needs to be discussed because then when they get married, and the bills start coming in, it’s a shock,” Taylor said. “It’s important to get those things out before the marriage ever happens.

“People will talk about their sex life before they talk about their money life,” Taylor said. “I don’t know why that is — it’s just a fact.”

The price of fractured families

"It is time to look at strengthening marriage as a community priority. Helping to reduce child poverty and the pain of fractured families in our communities is one of the most compassionate ways we can effectually build a strong future.

There are now 40 years of research that links fractured families to many of our most difficult social problems. The good news is that these same social trends have revealed to us what works and led to a growing consensus that marriage continues to be our most pro-child institution, and one of the best anti-poverty strategies we have."

Full editorial from The Seattle Times

What's at the center of a strong marriage?

"Todd and Deb Banchor say they are nothing special, but their marriage is.

Don’t misunderstand. The Banchors, members of St. Gerald Parish in Ralston, are not saying their own marriage is perfect. They have had ups and downs like almost every other couple. But, as far as they are concerned, the sacrament of marriage is perfect because God is part of that union.

They say they are enjoying the benefits of a healthy marriage and have worked to help others reap the blessings of a strong marriage with God at the center. One of their best tools is peer marriage ministry."

Full story from Catholic Online

Marriage conference teaches secrets of long-lasting relationships

"Simply by studying the way a married couple argues and connects with each other, researchers can now predict—with an average of 91 percent accuracy—whether their relationship will end in divorce, said Brent Atkinson, an associate professor of marriage and family therapy at Northern Illinois University in Dekalb.

Speaking at a marriage-enrichment conference April 26 at Benedictine University in Lisle, he said one of the greatest indicators of failure is judgmental, contemptuous language. Seven parishes in DuPage County sponsored the event.

During his presentation, “Breaking the Cana Code,” Atkinson explained the findings of seven long-term research studies, which identified emotional habits common in failed marriages. The studies also identified habits that foster long-lasting and happy relationships."

Full story

An update on the Bishops’ National Pastoral Marriage Initiative

"Even though it’s been more than three years since the U.S. Bishops’ National Pastoral Initiative for Marriage was approved, the initiative is hardly a household word.

That could begin to change over the next several months, as the bishops prepare to release a pastoral letter on marriage and plans are developed for a variety of pastoral resources."

Full story

Divorce costs U.S. taxpayers billions

"Divorce and out-of-wedlock childbearing cost U.S. taxpayers more than $112 billion a year, according to a study commissioned by four groups advocating more government action to bolster marriages.

Sponsors say the study is the first of its kind and hope it will prompt lawmakers to invest more money in programs aimed at strengthening marriages. Two experts not connected to the study said such programs are of dubious merit and suggested that other investments — notably job creation — would be more effective in aiding all types of needy families."

Full story

Until death do you part?

" 'There no longer seems to be much of a stigma attached to divorce; it is now seen as an unavoidable rite of passage,' concluded researcher George Barna in a recently published report.

Americans who have the highest rates of divorce, according to the study, are “downscale” adults (those who have not attended college and are earning less than $20,000 a year) at 39%; Baby Boomers (38%); non-Christian religious believers (38%); African-Americans (36%); and “people who consider themselves to be liberal on social and political matters” (37%).

Those with the lowest divorce rates are Catholics (28%); evangelicals (26%); upscale adults (college graduates earning $75,000 or more a year), at 22%; Asians (20%); and those calling themselves “conservative on social and political matters” (28%). Hispanics have a divorce rate of 31%, according to the Barna study."

With NFP, Couples Discover Deeper Partnership

"Bryan Sell and Matt Mills are husbands with similar stories, and the three men, along with their wives, now help bring to light—as NFP teachers—what Borgerding calls 'one of the best kept secrets of the Catholic Church.' "

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Happy Marriage, Happy Heart

"Happily married people have lower blood pressure than unhappy married people or singles, a Brigham Young University study says.

"There seem to be some unique health benefits from marriage. It's not just being married that benefits health -- what's really the most protective of health is having a happy marriage," study author Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a psychologist who specializes in relationships and health, said in a prepared statement"

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Survey reveals Mass behind marriage success

"A new survey on marriage reveals those who attend Mass every week are six times as likely as those who rarely or never attend to report that their view of marriage has been "very" informed by their Catholic faith."

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Birth rate halved, parenthood delayed in children of divorce

"Girls whose parents divorce are half as likely to have children as those whose mother and father stay together, a U.K. study revealed yesterday. The finding came from research into how changes in marriage laws have affected women's lives.

"Scientists found girls who grow up in a country which allows divorce are less likely to marry and are more likely to delay having children.

"Jill Kirby, director of the centre-right think tank Centre for Policy Studies, said:

"This demonstrates how the effect of divorce and family break-up is at work through the generations. The failure of a family – and most often now it is not a married family – puts women off having children themselves. It is an example of the long-term impact of the flight from marriage. The effects will be felt not only by us now, but by future generations. This study also shows that women suffer most from the effects of divorce and family break-up."

Full story

Deacon preaching NFP finds most couples don’t know teaching on contraception

"When I mention NFP, people look at me like I am an artifact from another age,” Deacon Ken Donahue explained. “It’s one of the principles of Catholic teaching that people don’t think applies to them.”

But for many couples, including many Catholics, information about NFP is largely unknown or misunderstood."

Full story (and it's a good one!)

The Best Preparation for Marriage - And It's Not Living Together

Mike & Harriet McManus, authors of "Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers," note that two-thirds of couples marrying today are living together.

Such couples often believe a myth that they are in a "trial marriage." But they are really in a trial divorce in which they face an 85% chance of breaking up either before the marriage or afterwards.

The McManuses offer 3 tips for better marriage prep.

And more info here, too.

The media's rush to divorce the Spitzers...

With this week's news about former NY governor Eliot Spitzer, there's been a lot of media coverage about the role of Silda Spitzer, and whether she should have been at his side during the two press conferences that he held. In most, if not all, of the coverage, a lot of the commentators and "people on the street" have said they couldn't understand why a wife would do that, and that if it were them, they'd be walking out the door as quickly as possible.

Amazingly, nobody was really sticking up for Mrs. Spitzer for her role of being up there supporting her husband and family. Instead, they have offered sympathy (which is fine), but there's still a vast rush towards judgment that she's calling the lawyers as soon as this is over.

Obviously, what Mr. Spitzer is accused of doing was horrendous and shocking, and families have divorced over much less infractions. But marriages have also survived greater infractions. If this marriage is going to survive, there will have to be a lot of open communication, discussion, possible professional help, and yes, forgiveness.

If Mrs. Spitzer were to forgive her husband, how would the media treat this act? Would they be amazed at the act of forgiveness? Would they go, "Wow, there's a woman who wants to save her marriage, in the face of unbelievable odds?" Probably not, instead there would be sarcastic comments about how she was doing it for political reasons, or other such nefarious purposes.

It's been clear over the past few days about the culture that we live in today -- how easy it is for people to rush towards an immediate divorce instead of thinking about ways that couples can work on their problems. Sure, the Spitzer case in an extreme example, but it's also not hard to watch the media rush towards divorce in less-heinous cases. It just highlights how much work we have to convince people about the joys of marriage and the power of forgiveness.

The thrill of the chaste

Fed up with casual, meaningless sex in the modern dating world? Unsatisfied with today's sex-obsessed culture?

Consider an alternative, says Dawn Eden. The author of “The Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On” argues in defense of chastity, providing personal details of her conversion to sexless dating.

Full story. And, Dawn Eden's blog.

Learn the Secrets to Marital and Money Bliss

A finance professional discusses typical marriage/money pitfalls and offers advice:

"I was once asked to talk about finances to a small group of engaged couples attending a marriage preparation program. As I observed the couples, I felt as though I were watching a scene from Oprah focusing on dysfunctional relationships. What I saw were three textbook examples of how money and marriage don't necessarily mix well."

Full column